Active Listening – the Secret Weapon of Every Successful Mediator

One of my teachers at primary school would regularly blow a whistle to get everyone’s attention. Then, before he would start the lesson, he would say, “Now remember, gentlemen, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason so please listen twice as much as you speak”. After that he would often add, “One day you will all appreciate that the skill of listening is far more important than anything you will learn in this class today”.

Many decades later, I can attest to the fact that he was absolutely right.

Listening, and more specifically active listening, is without doubt one of the most essential skills for a mediator, playing a pivotal role in the success of the mediation process.

Active listening and being present and truly engaged for those around you is a skill that doesn’t always come naturally, simply because we can be so easily distracted. It is said that an educated adult can process 300 to 500 words per minute. However, most of us speak at closer to 100 words per minute. The extra brain capacity makes it difficult to stay focused, so the mind wanders.

Hearing what somebody is saying to you (ie the act of processing the 300 – 500 words per minute) certainly doesn’t mean that you are necessarily understanding what they are saying or showing any empathy towards the person talking to you.

How often have you caught yourself automatically (maybe even consciously) nodding your head or making one of your standard ‘acknowledgement sounds’ when you are fully aware that you had either stopped listening, or perhaps weren’t even listening properly at all in the first place?

Active listening, at its core, is a commitment to understanding and responding to a person or a group of people in a manner that transcends merely hearing. It requires the listener to be fully present and mentally engaged.

In the context of mediation, active listening is the mediator’s commitment to paying close attention to what each party is saying both verbally and non-verbally.

This involves making eye contact, nodding, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions. In doing so, the mediator strives to create an atmosphere where participants feel heard and understood, fostering a sense of trust and openness.

Trust is the cornerstone upon which successful mediations are built. When participants feel heard and understood, trust flourishes. The mediator’s genuine interest in comprehending the intricacies of each party’s viewpoint fosters an environment where individuals are more likely to express themselves openly and honestly.

While active listening forms the bedrock, its more profound counterpart, deep listening, elevates the mediation process to new heights.

Deep listening involves not only understanding the words spoken, but also grasping the emotions, intentions, and unspoken messages behind those words. It requires a high level of empathy and a genuine desire to comprehend the individual participants’ perspectives on a more profound and intuitive level.

During a mediation, this means going beyond the surface level of what is said, and exploring the underlying emotions and needs of both parties involved. A deep listener in mediation pays attention to the nuances of tone, body language, and emotional expressions. This heightened level of understanding enables the mediator to address the root causes of the conflict and guide the parties towards solutions that meet their underlying needs and concerns.

Acknowledging emotions through active listening is a step toward de-escalation. But deep listening is the compass that guides the mediator to the emotional core of the dispute.

By comprehending the emotional undercurrents, a skilled mediator can facilitate constructive emotional expression and help both parties find resolutions that go beyond surface-level agreements.

Active and deep listening in tandem allow a mediator to tailor solutions that are as unique as the conflicts they address. Understanding the individual needs, concerns, and priorities of each party enables the creation of resolutions that are not only acceptable, but sustainable in the long term.